A day at Diddly Squat farm showed how real Clarkson’s Farm is (Picture: Clarkson’s Farm)
‘The mortality rate has reduced actually,’ said Charlie Ireland as he slowly emerged from behind a crowd of people sitting on hay bales.
A group of journalists, social media stars and one farmer-turned-Love Island star, Will Young, were packed into a barn overlooking some of the 1000 acres of land belonging to Jeremy Clarkson.
The man himself was holding a press conference to promote the third series of Clarkson’s Farm, and had begun describing how he’s been able to improve his pigs’ chance of survival, which technically means more pigs were dying, rather than his intended meaning – more pigs were surviving.
The land advisor, who Jeremy has dubbed Cheerful Charlie due to his habit of often delivering bad financial news, couldn’t let the grammatical error slide.
‘Here he is. Corrected on my English there,’ remarked Jeremy.
Soon, it was Kaleb Cooper, 25, and Jeremy, 64, who had a go at one-upping each other. This time it was over goats. While Jeremy wants to keep them around due to their cheap pricetag (a tenner) and their natural ability to mow the land, Kaleb argued that their food, milk and labour costs are making them too costly.
Charlie often delivers bad news (Picture: Clarkson’s Farm)
The intricacies of the farming chat were hard to keep up with, as we whipped our head back and forth between the two men but one thing we do now know is that the bickering on the show couldn’t be more real.
The goat discourse came to a natural end (phew) so everybody could move on with their day, but we imagine their friendly argument is far from over.
Their passion has led to daily squabbles over Diddly Squat, and what can sometimes be a rarity in reality TV… reality.
The cast of characters have provided a lot of entertainment throughout the series (Picture: Clarkson’s Farm)
Metro.co.uk got a front-row seat to watch the Amazon Prime Video series, which began in 2021, play out in real life to celebrate their series hat-trick.
The programme came about after Jeremy decided to take a more hands-on approach to the Cotswolds farm that he’d purchased in 2008. It was decided that the highs and lows of this new venture would be perfect fodder for a TV show, and so a camera crew arrived in the rural village.
The formula has been a resounding success with 4.3 million viewers tuning into the debut episode of the second series, setting a new record for the platform.
Metro.co.uk was invited to Diddly Squat in celebration of the third series of Clarkson’s Farm
I got the opportunity to live inside Clarkson’s Farm, but with a dash of The Simple Life and perhaps, if I was lucky, Farmer Wants a Wife.
Decked out in bright yellow wellies that would have Josie Jump from Balamory blowing her whistle in excitement, I walked towards Gerald Cooper’s tractor. His scenes have become my highlight of each episode and being faced with the actual man sitting in the cab of a piece of heavy machinery unexpectedly stunned me into a silent stare.
Jeremy often jokes about how hard it is to understand Gerald, but at least he uses words. I instead stared up at him as he hovered above me – my very own angel in a fleece.
‘Do you want a photo?’ asked a kind woman working for Amazon clearly clocking I was a fan. ‘Don’t put your foot on the step though, please. Health and safety.’
I got to meet Gerald but neither of us spoke
No words were exchanged, just vibes and a lovely photo to send to my mum and dad.
The beauty of reality TV is making normal people famous and reminding us that everyone has something special about them. I’m fangirling over a 70-something farmer, rather than a Hollywood star and there’s beauty in that.
What’s extra magical about Clarkson’s Farm is while stars from shows such as Love Island quit their 9-5 before getting to the departures lounge and sometimes lose the ordinariness that compelled us to tune in to watch their scenes, in Chipping Norton, they were already doing what they loved long before a producer shouted ‘action’ and years later, their day-to-day lives have remained unchanged.
Even Kaleb who has been taking inspiration from Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana by getting the best of both worlds – continuing with his farming, while also releasing books and going on tours – is planning to return to a ‘normal’ life after missing the farm too much. As I stroked the pigs and goats (while trying to forget their eventual fate), as I breathed in the fresh air I could see what he meant and began planning my pitch to ITV for a Farmer Needs A Wife reboot.
The piglets had recently been born
Spending time with the animals, while trying to forget what happens to them (Picture: Clarkson’s Farm)
The farm shop had range
After raising my endorphin levels with animal time, I was ready for shopping.
As I meandered the Diddly Squat farm shop aisles filled with a jenga tower of ‘This smells like my bollocks’ candles, and perused the shelves stocked high with every type of jam imaginable, Lisa Hogan filled the room.
She spoke about how she’s become co-dependant with partner Jeremy since moving here from London.’We spend so much time together as we’re so isolated,’ she explained as if she was in a coffee shop with a couple of friends, not addressing a shop filled with customers.
Their relocation to the town hasn’t pleased everybody – their battle with the council and locals over everything from their desire to open a restaurant to what products they’re selling inside the farm shop or the aesthetic of the car park (which by the way, now has some lovely gravel), has been well documented on the series.
Lisa and Jeremy have become ‘co-dependant’ (Picture: Clarkson’s Farm)
However, today the land is filled with people who are overjoyed that farming is the central plot driver in such a commerically-successful series, which has had real-life impact on people who weren’t millionaires to begin with including the woman who hands a burger to me. Annabel Gray proudly tells me that her business, Baste Food, now employs 12 people thanks to her burger van situated on Jeremy’s property.
It may be nothing but positive vibes in the great outdoors, but my trip to the ladies’ room signalled a divide.
‘Clarkson is a c**t,’ one person scrawled in black ink on the portaloo door. A thick arrow had been drawn, and the words were annotated with: ‘Thinking about yourself. Jeremy is a legend! Future PM!’
Whichever side of the fence you’re on, one thing’s for sure – Jeremy, Kaleb, Lisa, Charlie and Gerald will be on TV screens for a while longer with series four already in the works.
Clarkson’s Farm series three launches globally on Prime Video on May 3.
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