Scary Movie is deeply, offensively unfunny – another sequel would finish me off

Do you like scary movies? Then best steer clear of this crashing disappointment: a horror spoof so lame even the undead could outrun it. 

Fans of the franchise – and, unbelievably, there must be loads of them – will know that this is actually Scary Movie 6. 

A self-declared ‘rebooquel’ (part reboot, part sequel), the plot loosely follows the Scream slasher template: 2000’s survivor girl Cindy Campbell (Anna Faris), now middle-aged, reunites with her pal Brenda Meeks (Regina Hall) – despite the fact Brenda has already died twice, in Scary Movie 3 and 5. 

They reteam to protect Cindy’s daughters, Sara (Olivia Rose Keegan) and her little sister Tuesday – as opposed to Wednesday – (Savannah Lee Nassif), who are being stalked by a masked Ghostface killer. Cue the return of legacy characters Gail Hailstorm (Cheri Oteri) and ‘Special Needs’ Officer Doofy Gilmore (Dave Sheridan).

The bigger story, though, is the comeback of writer/ producer/ stars the Wayans brothers (Marlon, Shawn, Keegan Ivory and now Craig), who were previously forced out of their own franchise by Miramax 25 years ago, after Scary Movie 2, citing ‘creative conflicts’.

Marlon and Shawn Wayans went off and made the still notorious affront to comedy White Chicks (2004), wherein two Black men in prosthetics disguise themselves as blonde, white women. And let’s just say that, despite now being in their mid-50s, their puerile humour hasn’t matured. It’s broad; it’s crude; it’s out to be outrageous – to gross out today’s supposedly oversensitive, cancel-happy viewers. 

And I will admit one thing did genuinely offend me: Scary Movie is deeply, offensively unfunny.

I honestly wanted to enjoy this. I love movies. I love movies about movies. The recent Naked Gun parody was one of my films of the year. I am aware that there are culturally specific gags here that zoomed over my head. The film is not aimed at me. I am, in fact, the butt of the joke. As one of its sharper lines puts it, I’m a fan of elevated comedy: ‘the kind that don’t make anyone laugh, but makes white people feel smart.’

OK, I almost grinned twice, thanks to a grumpy nurse played by Kim Wayans (yes, this is very much a family affair). But, honestly, this makes Hamnet look like a chucklefest. As a parody, it barely parodies 

There’s no genuine interest in the horror genre. Instead, it’s an expensive tick-box of movies: Final Destination; Smile; Weapons; M3gan; Longlegs; Get Out – the list goes on and on, without being much more than a list. And many of these movies are not even scary (One Battle After Another, K-Pop Demon Hunters). 

Why was I suddenly watching Anna Faris as a dildo-wielding John Wick, for example? And yes, that may sound quite amusing. On screen, it’s about as hilarious as a lateral flow test.

While new elevated Gen Z horrors like Obsession and Backrooms are pulling record box office, Scary Movie is determined to dumb the genre back down again: stoned blokes exclaiming ‘I’m so high!’; dated pronoun gags; a lazy reliance on sex toys and penis size to provide punchlines.

I’m just praying this doesn’t make a killing at the box office. Scary Movie 7 might finish me off.

Scary Movie is out in UK cinemas from Friday, June 5.

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