Dear Eric: Over the course of our 26-year marriage I have caught my wife in numerous lies. We started marriage counseling three months ago and during an early session I asked if we could finally be truthful with each other, no more lies. No such luck.
Years ago, her brother suddenly fled and left all his belongings. She put them in storage but when I found out I told her to remove them or have him pay the monthly fee. Today I discovered she has been paying for her brother’s monthly storage bill for at least 10 years without my knowledge. That comes to $16,500. It may even be higher.
Initially she said she was being reimbursed. I asked for proof. She said she would show me. Then she changed her story to say it’s her money and she can spend it however she chooses, so forget the proof. Pretty sure there never was any proof of reimbursement. My wife believes the best defense is to go on the offense, and she does it a lot.
I am married to a liar, a sneak, someone with no conscience. What should I do?
— Deceived Again
Dear Deceived Again: Well, hold on. Is it her money? Meaning, in consideration of whatever your financial arrangement is, is the money she used money she has sole discretion over? If so, then you don’t really have standing to demand proof she got repaid.
Look, I only know what you’ve told me. Surely there’s more to the story. But you may be inserting yourself into decisions that were hers to make and perhaps her responses were her attempts to get you to stay in your lane.
Again, from your telling, it sounds like all of this started with a command: “stop storing your brother’s belongings.” This is a place where a conversation is going to work better. She surely has complicated feelings about family and obligation. And there’s a way of reading this that suggests she was forbidden from acting in the way that she thought was best.
You want an equal partnership where she’ll be honest with you. You might start by asking her, in your next therapy session, if there are places in your marriage where she feels she’s not being treated like an equal partner. Even if there’s so much more that I’m not getting here, starting with questions is going to get you both a lot farther.
Dear Eric: I have six siblings, all retired and most of upper-middle class and all living in the same area. My older sister (Rachael) survived marriage to a horrible man. He died 10 years ago and left Rachael with an unmaintained house that now should be condemned, and nothing else. She gets a small pension and Social Security.
After years of talking with my siblings, I decided to buy her a mobile home in a nice senior park. Sibs all said “Wow. That was really nice of you.” Then crickets.
The problem is Rachael won’t do anything to get rid of her old house. She goes there every day and brings more junk to the trailer. It’s been several months. She’s paying her park rent, utilities on both homes and taxes. She can’t afford it.
Recently I told her she must sell soon because I want my money back. It was the only thing I could think of to get her motivated. It’s not about the money at all.
What can I do to get this debacle behind us? I think she’s been so abused she doesn’t think she deserves a decent place to live.
— Haunted House
Dear Haunted House: Oh, no. If I’m reading correctly, you bought your sister a mobile home (presumably as a gift). And now you’re telling her she owes you the money for it? I implore you to retract.
If she has, as you suspect, been so abused that she doesn’t feel comfort or belonging at home, the last thing she needs is another loved one further destabilizing her and dangling a past due bill that she didn’t expect.
What’s the problem with her taking longer than you want to deal with the old house? What harm does it do you? If you’re worried that she can’t afford everything, then tell her that and offer to help her think through budgeting. But also, be open to her answer, even if the answer is “thanks but no thanks.”
Right now, she likely could use counseling to deal with the unprocessed grief and trauma leftover from her relationship. Getting rid of the house may not be so simple.
So, please, don’t demand she pay you back, if that wasn’t what was originally agreed upon. That just sets her up for failure. The onus for putting this debacle behind you is on you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)