Dear Ismael,
How do my siblings and I compensate my sister for all the time she spends looking after our elderly mother?
— Want to Give Thanks in 60612
Dear Give Thanks,
This question stuck with me since I saw it in my inbox. Haunted me, even.
It’s a situation that is at the top of almost every family’s mind once everyone has left the nest and the time to return the favor to our aging parents draws near. It’s also a topic most don’t want to think about until it’s unavoidable. Personally, I hope my family can push it back another 15 years.
But I digress.
There are simple, immediate, everyday ways to show your gratitude and appreciation. But there also are opportunities to team up with your siblings for more thoughtful, planned-out and rewarding events your sister can look forward to throughout the year.
In the short term, make your sister’s work and sacrifice feel seen. Sometimes, regardless of the task, we grow frustrated when people don’t realize the small, behind-the-scenes responsibilities required to maintain a smooth operation. So, check up on her and pitch in to help on the little things.
“How are you doing on gas for the week? I can send you $30 right now.”
“Is Mom’s cleaning supply and food pantry well-stocked? I can have some groceries delivered.”
And don’t forget about little rewards that aren’t task-related. Pitch in money for some takeout or ice cream from the drive-thru on the weekends when y’all can.
For the long term — I got this idea from a friend who is in the same situation as you — map out a week or weekend where you can take over your sister’s responsibilities and she can take a breather from looking after your mom.
Yes, we all hope family will gladly care of us because of their unconditional love, but looking after an elderly parent is a full-time job. So, coordinate with your siblings and give your sister a paid vacation with a bonus and all the perks you all can afford to treat her to.
Clean the whole house and take care of yard work. Take care of car maintenance, and get the vehicles washed and vacuumed. Have a full-on spring cleaning reset while your sister is away. But most importantly, spend time with your mom and treat her to something nice, too. Although, chances are your presence will be enough for her.
As for your sister, treat her to something that isn’t labor-related. I can’t emphasize this enough. Don’t give her new cleaning supplies. Imagine an office rewarding a staffer’s year-round contributions with new copy paper instead of a bonus?
Arrange for her to go on a nice vacation out of the city. If that is out of the budget, at least send her to a nice spa or to get her hair and nails done. Give her time to take care of her own needs, whether that’s tasks and errands, or a desperate need to get away for a bit.
Depending on the number of siblings, this could be something that happens twice a year or more. Holidays don’t count.
Every family is different, and each will have varying times and resources available. So, if this is a little extravagant, maybe you and your siblings can simply pitch in some money to hire a cleaning person to go over and help with upkeep throughout the house every few months.
In the end, behind any kind of reward there should be recognition.
Make sure that with each effort you and your siblings attempt to compensate your sister with — big or small — it comes with a message that you recognize she stepped up when others couldn’t.
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.