‘I hear it’s the people versus the establishment – a city trader, Putin-admiring professional politician who’s pals with crypto billionaires… versus Count Binface.’
Those are the words of David Lammy, the Deputy Prime Minister who was taking questions in the House of Commons on behalf of Sir Keir Starmer earlier.
It’s stunning how quickly the narrative behind Nigel Farage’s audacious voluntary by-election in Clacton has shifted.
With all the major parties pulling out of the race in the hours after the Reform leader’s announcement, the widespread assumption is that his top opponent is now the ‘independent space warrior’ with a bin for a face.
And while that may sound silly (because it is), there’s a chance it could move beyond a joke if enough people in Clacton-on-Sea decide they want to see the look on Farage’s face if his vote share is seriously dented by the perennial novelty candidate.
What happens if those people outnumber the voters who decide to back the man elected last time round?
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At this point – and who knows how long it will last – that’s not an impossibility. In fact, bookmakers William Hill is giving 4/1 odds that Count Binface becomes Clacton’s new MP.
No novelty candidate has ever won a Parliamentary election before. The closest equivalent may be Stuart Drummond, who was elected Mayor of Hartlepool after standing as football mascot H’Angus the Monkey – and famously did quite well in the role, resulting in him being re-elected twice.
According to the i newspaper, Binface would not be allowed to wear his (its?) signature costume in the House of Commons if elected, as clothing is required to ‘demonstrate respect for the House’.
Instead, we might end up with plain old comedian Jon Harvey sitting at the back of the chamber between fellow independent MPs Rupert Lowe and Jeremy Corbyn.
He may then need to make good on his election pledges, such as capping the price of 99 Flake ice creams at 99p and becoming the UK entry for next year’s Eurovision Song Contest.
Meanwhile, Nigel Farage would be free from the Parliamentary Standards Commission investigations into the £5 million ‘gift’ he received from crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne and the support he has received from aristocrat and convicted fraudster George Cottrell.
And all he would need to do in return is suffer through one of the most humiliating upsets in British political history, bringing him to eight losses in nine elections.
You’d imagine he would step down as Reform leader as a result, handing the reins over to Richard Tice, Robert Jenrick or Zia Yusuf and likely giving a boost to Prime Minister Andy Burnham.
Then Farage would be able to live life in peace, away from any media scrutiny of windfalls his pals might drop into his bank account.
Until, perhaps, the campaign kicks off for the next general election in 2029 and Count Binface is running for re-election.
That’s interesting… it looks like he’ll be up against a mysterious figure in a helmet shaped like a giant pint of bitter. And there’s something familiar about the candidate’s croaky voice, even as it echoes inside the headwear…
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