GREEN BAY, Wis. — Well, that was a real kick in the kiester.
The best thing about the Bears’ 31-7 loss to the Packers at Lambeau Field? It’s over.
The worst thing? Seriously, who could pick?
QUARTERBACKS — F
Remember that hilarious narrative about the Bears having not one, not two, but three good players at the most important position in all of sports? Man, what a hoot that was. It’s hard to guess what Tyson Bagent spent the previous week doing, but it can’t have been preparing to face the Packers. Even when he wasn’t gifting the ball to Packers safety Xavier McKinney — one interception thrown smack into double coverage, the other thrown behind Colston Loveland — he was off target and anything but in command. Case Keenum came in for the fourth quarter and promptly added a pick to the Packers’ pile, and later lost a fumble. Where you at, Caleb Williams? Your services are desperately needed.
DEFENSIVE BACKS — F
Somewhere along the way, Packers QB Jordan Love found wide receiver Christian Watson for a 31-yard gain. The point? Hard to believe this could happen, but it was merely Love’s sixth-longest pass of the game. Xavier Woods got spun like a top on Watson’s 42-yard touchdown to open the scoring. Dillon Thieneman was inside Watson’s jersey on a 53-yard touchdown yet somehow failed to make any play on the ball whatsoever. Malik Muhammad got torched on a 46-yarder to tight end Tucker Kraft. Jaylon Johnson gave up his share of big ones — is he fast enough anymore? — and got absolutely run over by MarShawn Lloyd on the running back’s six-yard touchdown rumble.
DEFENSIVE LINE — D-PLUS
Here’s looking at you, Austin Booker, you two-sack haver, you. Alas, nobody else got after Love or else he wouldn’t have had time to luxuriate in the pocket before chucking all those long balls. Pretty sure Love was spotted sipping from an umbrella drink before one of the heaves.
SPECIAL TEAMS — C
File Zavion Thomas’ 61-yard kickoff return in the back of your head; at some point this season, he’ll bust a big one that’ll really mean something. Cairo Santos was wide left on a 43-yard field-goal attempt, which didn’t mean much by the end a miserable day for the team but kept the Bears from closing to 20-10 — which wouldn’t have seemed hopeless at the time.
COACHING — F
Western scholars will ruminate for many years on which was worse Sunday, the Bears’ offense or their defense. But this was all kinds of awful. Ben Johnson can hate the Packers all he wants, but they still tortured him on what had to be the worst day of his head coaching life. The Bears were unprepared. They made a million bad mistakes. What an embarrassing display.