Count Binface pledges to make arcade grabber games ‘fairer’ in Clacton manifesto

Count Binface has unveiled his long-awaited manifesto for the Clacton by-election, pledging a new role for Wayne Rooney and a ‘more sensible position’ for a hand dryer 280 miles away.

Nigel Farage’s top rival in the race has also taken on the Reform leader directly, with a promise not to ‘accept £5 million gifts from crypto billionaires’.

Binface emerged as an unlikely threat to Farage earlier this month, after the under-pressure party leader unexpectedly resigned as an MP so he could rerun in the resulting by-election.

The move appeared to backfire quickly, when all the major parties decided against taking part in a vote they described as a ‘stunt’ and ‘vanity project’.

As a result, Farage finds himself facing 33 opponents – a record for a UK parliamentary election – almost all of whom are fringe figures or comedy characters.

But it is Count Binface who has most captured the public imagination, with Sir Keir Starmer and Rachel Reeves among those revelling in the idea of Farage spending his summer ‘arguing with a bin’.

A poll earlier this month found 33% of the public wanted Binface to win the by-election, compared to 21% who said Farage.

And now, the voters of Clacton know what they would be getting if they decide to back the bin.

Count Binface’s Clacton Manifesto

1. I will boost the region’s economy, prestige and fame.
2. I will cut your taxes, and raise everyone else’s.
3. Bus fares to be capped at £1.99, and 99 Flake ice-creams to cost no more than 99p.
4. I promise to spend more time in Clacton-on-Sea than in Washington DC, and to champion the area.
5. MPs who resign mid-parliament to be barred from the resulting by-election.
6. MPs who change party mid-parliament to be forced to face a by-election.
7. I pledge to build at least one affordable house.
8. Arcade grabber games to be made fairer so players actually have a chance to win.
9. Oil and gas companies to pay for solar panels for everyone. (From Jack, aged 10)
10. Regeneration of Walton Pier so it is just as great as Clacton Pier.
11. A windfall tax on cosy crime novels written (or ‘written’) by celebrities.
12. Potholes to be filled, using copies of the 2024 Labour Party Manifesto.
13. Parliament to be moved to my new Bin HQ, in Weeley, while the Palace of Westminster is restored.
14. People who drive past Clacton station with annoyingly loud exhausts to lose their licence.
15. I will not accept £5 million gifts from crypto billionaires (on Earth).
16. A referendum on whether Pluto should regain its planet status.
17. The hand-dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Great Himalayas restaurant, Southport to be moved to a more sensible position.
18. Wayne Rooney to be new expert summariser for the BBC at Eurovision.
19. Count Binface to represent the UK at Eurovision 2027, with Clacton hosting Eurovision 2028.
20. I stand by my past manifestos: Ceefax, speakerphones, nationalising Adele, renaming HS2 ‘FFS1’, the hand-dryer at the Crown &Treaty, I’ve got it covered.

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