What to say to a friend who had a miscarriage that will actually comfort them

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Miscarriage is a very difficult subject for many women to talk about and not every single person grieves in the same way.
Don’t belittle someone’s pain or try to minimize the issue.
Don’t ask for details or say that you know what someone is going through.
Try to offer help in more concrete ways such as cooking or taking someone to the doctor.

Miscarriages are a surprisingly common occurrence.

According to Alyssa Dweck, a gynecologist based in New York, one in five women will have a miscarriage in their first trimester.

Fortunately, Dweck says that most times, miscarriages are due to a chromosomal or genetic abnormality, and therefore are a random and not recurrent event.

Still, it can be hard to know what to say to someone who has been through a miscarriage. INSIDER spoke to both a psychologist and a mother who has been through a miscarriage to find out the most appropriate ways to console someone.

Full disclosure: My mother had a miscarriage before I was born, so I spoke to her for this article.

Don’t try to minimize someone’s pain.

According to media psychologist Dr. Pamela Rutledge, it’s critical to acknowledge the pain that comes with having a miscarriage, rather than trying to gloss over it.

“The key is support, not belittlement or minimizing of her pain,” Rutledge told INSIDER.

“I’m so sorry,” “I’m here if you need anything,” (if you actually know them well) or “my thoughts and love are with you” are all appropriate things to say, according to Rutledge.

Avoid saying things like “oh well, you can always have another,” “you’re lucky, kids are a drag,” “you’ll get over this in time,” or even “it’s God’s will.”

Rutledge said no one wants to be told to “buck up.” In fact, women want to share the experience and deal with the sorrow now, not at a later moment.

Respect other’s privacy.

Rutledge emphasizes the importance of respecting someone’s privacy — both when you find out about their miscarriage in person and on social media.

“Do not ask for details,” Rutledge said. “Trust that people will share what they want you to know. Social media sites like Facebook are public forums, not private conversations — even if you have privacy settings.”

“But even in private, respect the woman’s privacy,” Rutledge told INSIDER. “Just like on social media, if she wants to talk, she will. If she doesn’t, don’t ask for more. Use empathy for others and do not indulge your own curiosity or anxiety. This is about the woman who suffered a loss, not you.”

Show them that they’re loved.

Rutledge told INSIDER that many of those who go through a miscarriage end up taking the blame for the loss. She said it’s critical for these people to know that their friends and family are still there for them despite what happened.

“People want their pain validated and, especially in times of profound loss, to know that they still have love and support,” Rutledge said. “This is especially important for women who somehow feel it is their ‘fault’ or …read more

Source:: Business Insider

      

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