Rafe Spall: ‘Having a baby with my co-star at 42 gave me perspective’

In the six years since Rafe Spall first met Esther Smith on the set of Apple TV’s Trying, the onscreen couple’s romance has turned into a real-life fairytale.

Now the 43-year-old actor has spoken candidly with Metro about just how special his family life is after welcoming a child with his co-star two years ago.

Most will know the duo as the lovable Nikki and Jason on their hit streaming series, which explores their chaotic but down-to-earth lives as adoptive parents to Princess and Tyler.

The comedy drama has touched the lives of countless people who are navigating their own journey with fertility, adoption or even unconventional family set-ups.

But no one’s life has been more transformed than our lead stars, Rafe and Esther, who found in each other a partner for life on set and at home and have even welcomed a child together during the course of the show.

This is not the screenstar’s first rodeo. He shares three children with his ex-wife and, when we talk with him about what family life looks like now ahead of the Trying season five finale, his love for being a father shines through immediately.

‘I was 27 when I had my first child, and 42 when I had my fourth, and it means that you’re very aware that nothing lasts forever when you’re raising kids,’ he tells me.

In fact, having his fourth child in his 40s with Esther has allowed him to step back and see fatherhood through all its phases from newborn through to the teenage years.

‘It gives you perspective,’ he says of being a father for so many years.

He explains: ‘Sleepless nights never last forever. Potty training doesn’t last forever. Everything passes, and when it goes, you miss it. It gives you the perspective and the reflection to be able to cherish every moment.

‘Not to say that it’s not difficult having interrupted sleep, but I know now that it will end.’

I’m needed. Four people really rely on me and I’m very, I’m very, very grateful for that.

Just as blended families are at the heart of the new season of Trying as Princess and Tyler’s biological mum comes back on the scene, bringing together the different spheres of his life has also been a matter of pride for Rafe.

I ask how he and his co-star have taken to parenthood, whether their relationship has evolved.

‘Esther’s my family and we have a family and our family is big. I had three children before I met Esther, that I share with my ex-wife, and we have a big, beautiful, full life, and I’m nothing but grateful for it.

‘Even if you don’t have kids with someone, relationships evolve, and they change, and you grow, and the best relationships sustain all of those things in the same way that Nikki and Jason do.

‘They’re able to work it out, and they deepen. Adversity brings you closer together; it’s where the good stuff is in life,’ he optimistically reels away.

He’s clear that embarking on this adventure with Esther doesn’t feel like ‘starting again’ but rather like a ‘beautiful addition’.

In fact, he paints an idyllic picture of the life he’s been living this summer in a rented house in the country ‘with five children’, while his partner has been working on a play.

‘[I’ve been] trying to find activities for children ranging from 15 to two. Then making dinner with a two-year-old on my hip, sometimes you go: “Oh boy, it would be nice to just lie down and relax” but what would I be doing? Scrolling through s**t on my phone?

‘I know when I’m on my own, I’m not motivated to do stuff. I am very for the responsibility [of fatherhood]. For me personally, that gives me a lot of meaning and a lot of worth. I’m needed. Four people really rely on me and I’m very, I’m very, very grateful for that.’

And even if he fantasises about the kids being all grown up, he knows the reality is far tougher than the daydream.

On set, you’re just thinking: “How do I make this sound as real as possible without allowing the philosophical themes of it to seep into your own life.”

‘I saw this thing where Bob Odenkirk was asked: “Who do you envy?” and he said: “People with young kids” because at the end of the dat you’ve got like a load of clothes to pick up and a load of shit to sort out and it gave him meaning and I identify with that.’

Still, with his oldest children knocking on their late teens, does it look like they’ll be following in the footsteps of their father and grandfather Timothy Spall? Perhaps.

‘Their dad and their granddad are actors, so they’re around it a lot. Of course they’re going to be interested in it, and of course they’re going to say: “Oh, this is what I want to do.” But I don’t know if that will last. I don’t put any pressure on them,’ he admits.

Determined for them to all finish school first, he says that if it’s still their calling, then he’ll back them all the way.

Throughout our chat, it’s also clear how much admiration he has for Esther, for whom he has broken his rule to never watch anything he’s in.

‘I don’t actually watch much that I’m in these days because it’s a horrible thing to watch yourself, but because my life partner is also in it, I have to watch it, and I love it. It’s funny, it’s warm, it’s real, and I’m just really proud of it,’ he says.

Is it strange having arguments, fallouts, relationship troubles in the show without lines getting blurred, I wonder.

‘On set, you’re just thinking: “How do I make this sound as real as possible without allowing the philosophical themes of it to seep into your own life.” 

‘It’s a very prosaic application of your profession. You’re just going: “Where’s the jokes? Where’s the beats? Where’s the camera? How do I make this good?” That’s what you’re thinking about,’ he reflects.

The meta-layer to the whole show has been a real boon to Rafe, who concludes: ‘Family exists in myriad ways. Some people are brought up by their grandparents. Some people are adopted. Some people are in single-parent families. Some people have divorced parents.

‘Families aren’t just the conventional 2.4 idea. They come in different shapes and sizes. So it’s really lovely to represent and celebrate that.’

Despite his evident love for being a father in one happy blended family, work doesn’t stop for anyone, and he’s dived headfirst into his upcoming shows where he’s playing not one, but two iconic British roles.

I want to keep being in the position where I can provide for my family, whether that is through wearing a spacesuit, or tights, or a cowboy hat.

The first is ‘one of [his] favourite things he’s ever done’ as the Prime Minister in Steven Moffat’s upcoming drama, Number 10.

In fact, he took the role so seriously, he even sat down with a former Prime Minister to pick their brains about what it’s like to be the most important person in the country. His main takeaway? It’s intense.

‘The only thing that got them through to the end was the idea that one day it would finish. It took them three years to feel like they could just put their head above the parapet and start making actual political decisions because the intensity of it is so extreme,’ he says.

And amid the revolving door of Prime Ministers since Brexit, playing one gave him insight into the humanity of these political leaders.

‘We shot on Downing Street, on the exterior of it. Keir Starmer’s wife and kids were there and regardless of what one thinks about his politics or the way that he did the job, he’s got children and a wife, and he’s a human being,’ he says.

Next up, he’s also playing literary icon Sherlock Holmes, in The Death of Sherlock Holmes, set in the three-year gap between the titular detective’s death at Reichenbach Falls and his return, during which he suffers amnesia.

‘Some people will like it, and some people won’t. But that’s all par for the course.

‘When I got asked to do it, I was on set with Steven Moffat, who obviously wrote all of Sherlock,  so I was able to talk to him a little bit about it. He was very supportive, so we’ll see.’

So, with a bustling family and several projects on the go, what’s next for this actor? Any dreams? Ambitions?

‘I want to keep being in the position where I can provide for my family, whether that is through wearing a spacesuit, or tights, or a cowboy hat.’

Trying season five is streaming now.

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