By now, we all know the cycle. Weeks of smears, lies and royalist hissy fits followed by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex showing up somewhere, looking great, doing good work and getting tons of attention. Followed by the same royalists crashing out over how their campaign failed so spectacularly. That’s been the past six years. You would think that the royalists would have found a different strategy, but I also think that they’re stuck running this play over and over because it’s the palace’s play. This is a reflection of the palace hivemind of how to deal with Harry and Meghan. At least with the Sussexes’ Australian trip, the crashouts came swiftly. Harry and Meghan were barely in Oz for 24 hours before royal biographers were hyperventilating on radio shows and columnists put their tantrums in writing. From the Telegraph’s Alison Pearson and her latest piece, “Harry and Meghan need to stop pretending they’re Royals. It’s embarrassing.” Say it back in a whiny voice, like you’re a toddler who is mad about your bedtime. This is actually one of the most vile columns I’ve seen about the Sussexes in a minute, and I can’t believe the Telegraph actually published it.
They’re still crashing out over jam: If I were the manager of the InterContinental Coogee Beach, I would look out for the Duchess trying to flog her raspberry jam – sorry, “Signature Fruit Spread” – at breakfast. Reports in January suggested she had managed to offload more than 850,000 jars, generating approximately £26.7m in sales, which does make you wonder why Prince Harry and Mrs Clingy Attention-Seeker need to make this “quasi-royal mini-tour”, which has been described rather huffily as “a number of private, business and philanthropic engagements”.
Royal LARPing!! What an embarrassment the Sussexes have become with their hollow royal cos-playing. The King, who, let us not forget, has cancer, will very soon be making an actual, non-quasi state visit to Washington DC. An engagement which will require all his skills of diplomacy and good humour as he meets a president who has been loudly trumpeting Britain’s cowardly irrelevance (not entirely without provocation). Plus, there will be unfair pressure for poor Charles to meet victims of Jeffrey Epstein on account of the disgraced Andrew – like Harry, another exiled second son. Spares are a bloody liability.
These people hate the idea of Charles spending time with his grandkids: In truth, with their five-year contract not renewed by Netflix, things are getting a teeny bit tough for Harry and Meghan. It may even be dawning on the terrible, talentless twosome who have ever preferred “my truth” to observable reality that being alienated from the brand that is the source of your power – in fact, is the only reason anyone wants to invite you anywhere – may have turned out to be really stupid. Hence the sudden angling for an invitation to a summer stay with Grandpa at Balmoral. Good luck with that.
Arrogant Meghan: Little did the deluded, B-list actress Meghan appreciate that Her Best Life was the one she was lucky enough to marry into and so arrogantly threw away. Now, she is reduced to selling access to herself at a wellness retreat amidst fading brand loyalty. You can still get a ticket for £1,400. Don’t all rush at once.
Incidentally, I think there were still some late tickets available at the Her Best Life retreat because the organizers kept canceling the reservations made by journalists and derangers. But honestly, this is what a full crashout looks like – a pitifully unhinged rant because they can’t control Harry and Meghan anymore. All of this boils down a few simple statements from these horrible people: I’m mad that the Sussexes are getting attention; I’m mad that they can travel wherever they want, however they want, and do whatever they want; I’m mad that the Sussexes are more popular than the stale left-behinds; I’m mad that Harry & Meghan are financially successful and pay their way, and I’m doing everything I can to ruin their business.
The part about Charles’s state visit to the US is particularly notable given that the state visit doesn’t even start for two more weeks and it’s crazy to demand that Harry & Meghan should have stayed home IN ADVANCE of Charles’s state visit. That one argument makes me wonder if this woman got an earful from some Buckingham Palace courtier. Speaking of, here’s a taste of Robert Jobson’s Wednesday-morning crashout on BBC Radio 5:
— Jo (@jozzzaphen) April 15, 2026
Photos courtesy of Cover Images.
